Messed Up

Have you ever felt so messed up, you just want to stop and fix it? But the thing is, you can't press pause or stop. You gotta multi-task, fixing your life while there are a ton of things going on a t once. I admire those people who seem to have it all in control so easily. It's as if they're on a programmed routine, never to miss anything.

I am a mess right now. I've got a lot of things that are continuously piling up and I really don't know why. Being a student of science, I have formulated a couple of reasons or hypotheses as to why i have been acting as such.

I'll just count as I go on, I don't really know how many there are anyway. First, the Internet. i just can't control myself from clicking on that chrome and the black and yellow bird logo. In some way I feel so disconnected from the outside world when I'm not online. I get the feeling of anxiety of not knowing what's going on. to be honest, this should be controlled or solved easily, but it's so difficult.

Second, I am on lag mode. Yes, it's been 3 weeks since school started but I still got the sleep hangover. That's probably my third reason, I sleep too much. I haven't gotten used to the whole "just 4 hours of sleep and I'm good to go" sort of thing.

I have all these reasons but there are just for rationalizing. The real problem is ME. I've lost self-control, self-discipline; I've basically lost myself. There was a day/time in my life that I became the most productive person I've ever encountered. I sure hope that starting today, or maybe tomorrow, I'd be able to be that person again.

I must admit that I'm competitive, and I guess I just have to challenge myself since being in competition with my friends is useless.

So there, I've presented my problem, set out the causes, and found a solution to it. I hope that when you read this or have finished reading it, you will be inspired to try to make yourself better. Make yourself a better person not for anybody else, although I must say that this is easier, but for yourself. As they say, love yourself first before you can reach out to other people.

Losing Grip

These past few weeks have gone the quickest they could go. For every week that has passed I always vowed that something will get done in the coming week, but for some reason nothing really ever happened. I have been trying to tell myself that I have to start doing this so I could finish it and be awesome in my own way by finishing something that seemed to be impossible.

For the past few weeks of my life I have realized that I have come to this point holding on to the last strand of my emotional integrity, the last strand of my patience, and the last strand of my sanity. I feel very much lost in this world that I myself have created. It's so crowded inside my mind right now and even though I've tried to figure things out everything manages to fall apart.

It sucks how I can't even articulate what I want to say. It sucks how I can't get a grip of what I'm supposed to do. It sucks how I can't focus on just one thing. It sucks how I can't start to finish anything. It's just the suckiest feeling in the world. And the worst part is, no one would ever understand.

I sit here trying to make sense out of everything. Trying to figure out how to survive this, how to achieve the impossible.